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M.I.A.

…that’s where I’ve been for the last year! Oh so much has happened & also so little. Most currently I literally “busted a gut,” my gut – or appendix, I should say. Oh what a beautiful feeling. They say the pain is equivalent to that of childbirth…I don’t know about childbirth but it damn hurt.

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Let’s see, what else? My bi-polar ex-boyfriend got married, in which case I was pretty excited because it meant he wouldn’t be text bombing me at all hours….at least not for the first two years or so.

Oh – my job went to part-time, so basically I’m making the same salary I did in 1992. I’ve become the middle age average – which is about a size 14 (and 30 lbs heavier than I want to be). And I’m currently sporting one of the worse haircuts I’ve had in the last 30 years.

Ah – life is grand. I’m a bit scared to write, “what does 2014 hold for me?” So far it’s been a mixed bag. I look back at my first blog post and what my astrologer said about, “everything changing by the time I’m 45.” Well, I’m 45…and I’m not sure if I dig the changes.

– Kate

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M.I.A…

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…for juuuuussst a little bit longer. But I shall be returning soon. One thing I can say is, “I’m sure glad 2013 is here & the Mayans were wrong. But really, who’s gonna believe a race that made sport out of sacrificing their own kind…

– Kate


Really? And it’s only Tuesday…

4 hours of sleep.

Electronic issues at work.

Worked late, which led to…

a ridiculous amount of traffic.

Which led to..

Review of all bad choices I’ve made in my life.

…damn – and it’s only Tuesday.

– Kate

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My Control Tops are making me Nauseous!

Yesterday I had a total meltdown. My girlfriend’s, husband’s, 40th Birthday party was last night – a blowout bash at a local restaurant.  I finally found a dress that A – fit. B – was comfortable (despite having to wear control tops that make me nauseous) & C – Cute & didn’t make me look like a cow. 

 
What came next was the perfect storm. A mixture of PMS Hormones, feeling crappy about not being able to fit into anything & being pissed & cursing at God for me being where I’m at. All because a zipper got stuck & that meant I couldn’t wear my new dress. 
 
You see, over the last few years hormones have been making me “crazy,” exactly once each month for a 24 hr period. I get this overwhelming feeling that my life blows! I cry during sappy commercials. I start self-shit-talking. “Why didn’t you do this, instead of this! Picked him instead of the good one.” And on goes the inner crazy talk – for exactly 24 hrs. I know it’s my hormones because while my “inner critic,” is having a hay-day with my emotions, my brain is like, “sister – why you listening to that b.s?” It really is like the cartoons with the little devil on one shoulder & Angel on the other. 
 
Is it cosmic payback for turning a snub nose up at all my girlfriends in HS. who had a flare for the dramatic & would throw themselves on the girls bathroom floor, claiming cramps & PMS to get out of 4th period (no pun intended)? Maybe, or perhaps my luck just ran out. But I’d say I had a great run, being a quarter of a century “moody-free.” 
 
Back to my dress. After cursing, crying & an overwhelming feeling of “pissed off’ness,” I finally calmed down enough to remember to rub candle wax on the zipper to make it glide better…and it worked. 
 
It was a wonderful night. Lots of bands, good fun & most of all good people…despite what dress I was wearing. 
 
– Kate 
 
 
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(freedigitalphotos.net) 
 
 

In the Company of Misery – AKA What did you do on your Tuesday Night?

I’ve done a really good job of weeding out the “drama,” in my life. i.e. Getting rid of people that just love to live in their own misery. There’s a few “hanger on’s,” but I’m very conscious of eliminating myself from whatever conversation or bitchfest they’ve got going on. Basically I’m down to one couple, but because of who they are relative to me & I’m stuck with them…for now. 

 
…that was until tonight. 
 
Tonight I met for Happy Hour with a gal I know from my neighborhood. I’ve met her a few times at various parties & know her from the local cafe. It was one of those “we should meet for drinks,” kinda things & she actually took me up on the offer. Jeez, don’t you know that’s just something you say to be nice. Yesterday I got cornered & figured – why not. How bad can it be? 
 
People, if you’re in a shitty place – lock the doors, eat some Haggen Dass & wait it out. Believe me, you’ll be happy you did. Don’t go looking for new friends & definitely don’t DATE! I learned THAT lesson a long time ago when I was learning a new job, hated my boss and decided it was a good idea to go out on a blind date. No wonder he never called me back. 
 
Anyway, back to Happy Hour. You know how you go on a date & your date just talks about them self, never really asking questions about you or your life? Yeah, same thing just chicks involved. Ok – maybe she asked a few questions but 90% was talking about her ex, her financial situation & a string of – what did she say? – oh yeah, “bootie-calls.” 
 
It was pretty obvious she didn’t want a new friend or else it would have been more a 50/50 conversation. Sharing laughs & funny stories. Instead she wanted an audience. Someone to share in her drama while checking her iPhone for messages. 
 
When things suck, it’s hard to crawl out. I get that, I’ve BEEN THAT! But some people just love to be the martyr. 
 
As I get older I’m very conscious of keeping my “misery,” to a minimum. Not that you should be in a “happy place,” all the time. That’s just bullshit. But to know who your trusted friends are & who you can openly talk about your fears & concerns. When you need to shut-it & when you need to seek out real counselling…
 
…and when you need to quit being a savior. 
 
-Kate  
 
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Is it better to Burnout or Fade Away?

Opening up my FB page this morning, I was reminded of all the “douchers” I’ve dated. Mainly because one of the King’s of “douchbaggery,” had change his profile picture to that of a, “Jason Bourne wannbe,” and it was staring me in my newsfeed all “grainy black & white film noire looking,”… God, I secretly hate that dude.
 
 
I say secretly because we never really had a blow-out break-up. No “assholery,” domestic violence or money laundering involved. No, it just fizzled out. One missed text, he’s in a meeting. Two missed texts, hmmm (don’t over react Kate quite yet) but three – I get it. “You’re just not that into me anymore.” Unfortunately we run into each other often at events, so we are civilized with exchanging pleasantries. But you’d have to be “dense” not see the way things ended really “bugs me.”
 
It seems to me the break-ups that “bug us” the most are not necessarily “the loves of our lives.” Big Loves, change us forever in different ways.  I’m talking about the ones the, “BUG,” us – that get under our skin in different ways. The ones that cause involuntary reactions like throw things at our computer screen or screaming obscenities out loud. The ones that you obsessively go, “WTF!”  Yes, the ones you ask yourself, “Why the hell do I even care?”
 
You care because you picked them…and nobody likes to bet on a losing horse. For whatever reason, you placed a good chunk of your savings on this “long shot,” and expected him to come out a winner. You can make up all kinds of excuses for their behavior and to save face, “it’s because it wasn’t the right time, he just got out of a bad break-up, blah blah blah blah blah blah!” Oh – wait, “it’s Karma!” (yeah – that’s a good excuse for a poor choice), but in the end, we picked ’em & stayed longer than the relationships “due by date.”
 
So – the question – “Is it better to burnout or fade away?” Personally, I prefer the burnout or I should say “blowout.” Not 4th of July fireworks, just that last conversation that says, “yeah – we’re done. Nice knowing you.” Fading away is the cowards way out. It’s the, “I don’t think enough of you to let you go on AND I may change my mind in a few months, years – who knows, I can’t make a decision.” I tried to induce “blowout” with the above relationship but that’s hard to do when the other party just ignores the situation & prays that it will go away. Plus I’m not very good at stalking (well – maybe silently cyber stalking 😉 ) so I went with the fade.
 
That being said, I’m sure there’s someone out there (or a couple dozen) from my past that I induce the same “involuntary turrets” reaction    when they see me out at an event or gathering.
 
But Hey, if we went on two “Match Dates,” that don’t count ….
 
Kate
 
(photo from the movie, “The Break-Up”) 
 
 
 
 
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